I was triggered badly last night by my brother...we live quite far apart from each other I have two brothers...we were very close as kids, we suffered the same...I realise my childhood had an affect on me and have sought help in recent years due to that, they are too macho to seek help is the best way I can put it...although to me it’s obvious that they struggle with things and unfortunately take after my father...
My youngest brother got in touch with me around 18 months ago and surprisingly since then he calls me on average once every two weeks. Initially it triggered me , then because it was ok ,I was ok...well last night he called and it was as if he had been ruminating for days on something that was bothering him about my other brother and underlying I could tell he wasn’t happy with me either...he vented and ranted from the minute I picked up the phone, it reminded me of my dad with my mum and I was so triggered....it’s so sensitive I didn’t want to stop him or leave the call...I felt trapped into listening..he was really enraged and contradicting himself...really awful...and saying family it’s family as if because we are all family we have to put ourselves out and there are rules that even with mental health problems when you can’t call you should...it was ridiculous at the same time very upsetting...I kept as calm as I could and I guess did well, I encouraged Him to speak with my other brother about what he mentioned he wasn’t happy about with him ,and I said I just sometimes don’t make calls as I can be in a bad place, I hadn’t realised he’d expected me to make calls to him as it seemed to suit him to call me when he wasn’t working or travelling, rather than me call and hes driving , as that’s his job, he didn’t really understand at all...
I feel like I never wish to speak to him again really, although I didn’t let him know that ...it’s too upsetting and I think he will take it as rejection and take it badly....funny because for years there was no contact...
I will avoid him as much as I can now because I realise he really is just like my father who was a bully and always right no matter what ...they love, but on their terms and their expectations are so high and their annoyance is clear to see and hear, I had no idea there was such a problem it came from nowhere.......It will be difficult because I think he may have an idea if I start not answering my phone suddenly so I have to do a gradual thing ...unfortunately I think my older brother will now start calling too because of this, as younger brother mentioned me to him ...
I’m so upset by it all....they would never understand how awful they make me feel, it was lovely when he was calling and we would just talk about general things ..now he’s been like that ,I know it’s spoilt it ..like my father ,I could hear he has big issues....

Sorry I truly am waffling I guess I’m trying to get it out there as I’m so upset....

Best wishes to anyone who has read and understands
Xx