I’ve been having a pity party.

I’m seeing how much my CP is affecting my life. How much I need help to do basic things (ie. getting dressed, showering, pouring things.) Looking at me I just look like I have a limp and just use of my left hand. Almost no one realise walking hurts. I’m starting to feel more stiff.

I feel like a horrible parent. Miguel is still having tons of issues. Of course he’s not on meds. It breaks my heart that there’s nothing I can do until it’s almost to late. However we did get his old psych notes in the mail today. It kinda validated what has been going on. It’s heartbreaking at the same time. Reading the words “servere” next to both his diagnosis is like a kick in the stomach. We needed the psych notes for a scholarship, to get SAT/ACT accommodations, and he starts getting re diagnosed in December. My husband is reading the whole thing (it’s only pdoc notes.) I just can’t the little that I read made me sick. I know I should just suck it up and read them especially now because there maybe something in there that helps us now that we forgot about. Reading that he had the same problems eight+ years ago as he does now kinda feel defeating. Knowing that it was severe back then what would it be considered now? It says he would be recommended to a partial hospitalization school program if not homeschooled. We still have to order his psych notes from his other two clinics. I always feel his issues are because of us. I know others feel this way too. “It’s because of x (bad parenting issue) he’s like that”.

Our finances are screwed. We are about 100k in debt for student loans neither of us even has an AA/AS degree. I know I can get mine discharged but that’s admitting I’ll never go to school or get a “real” job. I want to one day be a college advisor at our local college. I can’t do that without a BA/BS.