Let’s relax. And talk turkey (I love that colloquialism!), e.g., ‘frankly.’

I want to say, I need to say, that you write beautifully. Writing well, being able to describe yourself, is a rare trait and you should hold that skill dear and hone your abilities by continuing, continually, to write, write, write. Let me suggest that you may want to write, rather than speak to, your parents, doctors (of any ilk), counselors, etc., if you think that you’ll be unable to speak of these terrifying things.

You’re only beginning high school? I am in awe.

I had a sleep paralysis experience one week ago. They’re rare for me lately. I was trapped for over six hours. I’ll use the word ‘terror’ again and throughout because I don’t know another word that adequately describes the horror and fear that’s felt when we feel our thoughts askew.

You’ve used the word ‘delusions’ but what you’re describing may not be delusions. Again, again, again, no-one here can offer or suggest a diagnosis. But I want to say that what you’re describing doesn’t fit my experience of delusions. I’m not up to explaining this well, but I want to stumble on: In my experience, a delusion is a fairytale or nightmare that you live within. That’s not what you describe — you describe external forces that invade your thoughts and, yes, I’ve had experience with that, as well.

I hate to say ‘my experiences’ over and over, again, so I’ll just make blanket statements and say that you will probably find that it is simpler to temper external forces than to become part of a reality that isn’t your own. You are aware. That’s important. That’s wonderful. Terrific. A-OK. You’re feeling oh-so-appropriate responses to these invasions. Fear, guilt and precious vulnerability.

Now.

The timings. The demons and the child. You wrote that the demons retreated but that the girl was prominent. Now the vid of the girl is recessed but demonic thoughts are back (more to come). Can you say how long — days, weeks, months? — each was foremost and each withdrew?

Demons/devil/Satan. Demons proceed from Satan; my understanding. Demons are ‘legion,’ many, able to intrude and possess. Your understanding? Satan, the devil, Lucifer = the fallen angel; evil. What do you mean when you write that you’ve had sexually intrusive thoughts about demons and the devil?

In admitting these thoughts you fear retribution from the devil. That’s reasonable, I think. There are myriad analogies that could be made: If someone is oppressed, s/he may not speak out against the oppressor for fear of even more punishment.

I feel stuck in my mind, too. I’ve always felt that; it didn’t start with my mental disorders. If that’s you, too, I’ll say that you’ll learn to live with it. You’ll feel detached and alone, unable to connect, but you’ll find ways to compensate.

(Christ, forgive me: I don’t mean to present myself as a self-help author throwing around tips for smarter-then-usual pubescent teens. It’s just, just, just... we’re of one ken. I have an eerie feeling that I’m addressing my past, my past self, my self in-the-past.)

Compensate. You know that you’re smarter than your peers. Quickly, two things to avoid. Don’t become defensive by demonstrating your superiority. Don’t suppress your talents but find humor in the laurels falling from your crown and develop a style of self-depreciation that amuses others. Secondly, don’t be afraid to share your thoughts and feelings. It’s okay to be quirky and different; you’ll attract the same and you’ll be able to experience unbelievable highs from conversations — no need for drugs — the explosion of dopamine is unsurpassed.

So you’ve talked to your mother? Did you describe your thoughts or only your general discomfort? If you see a good MD/physical doctor and give a brief overview of your thoughts, I think that s/he would recommend that you see a psychiatrist or therapist. I agree that a counselor would be of little use.



It’s interesting that you have childhood memories associated with a young girl, demons, and a (or the) priest. Also of note is the lost charm and the touch on the forehead. You have your Catholic bracelet that is a charm (as an undergrad we would compare medals and scapulars worn round our necks — I must have started wearing a miraculous medal, a crucifix, and the brown scapular in early grammar school) and, at confirmation (have you been confirmed?) the priest anoints you with chrism on your forehead.

Lordy. I’m awash in Catholic symbolism. Forgive my prattling.

The feelings of disgust, shame, nausea, etc., I believe, are natural reactions to the perception of evil. The evil is outside of you, the fear is that it will (somehow?) come inside. You have defenses in place. That’s good.

If I can stress anything it’s that what you’re experiencing is normal. You’re not losing your sanity, you’re not in danger. If you’re like me your mind is just running too fast and unable to process your thoughts so quickly. I don’t know if that’s a mental illness or not. I know that it’s frightening, though.

Could you print what you’ve written here and give it to your mother? Take it to your doctor? A psychologist? Is there any way that you could see a psychiatrist? I think that you would find greater comfort and support in ‘real life.’ I have to take medications to slow my mind and they don’t always work (they aren’t working now). We, well, some of us can empathise with what you feel but we can’t analyze or write prescriptions.

We’re certainly here for you; try to think of a way to get real world support?

Take care.