Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna
I think this is what they mean when they say therapy is about the relationship. The situation is you had expectations and you felt disapointed by her actions. That could be the script for any number of human interactions. I think this is why they also say, when you forgive someone, its for YOUR sake, not theirs. Can you accept this person's imperfections?
"And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us"? - NOW I get what that means.
I guess the question is, is her disruptive schedule causing untenable disruptions in your schedule, or are you able to absorb them? Would you prefer to find a more stable t?
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I agree with this, especially the idea of forgiveness being about you and not for the benefit of the other person. But what I recognize in myself from an earlier version is that I was so very hard on people when they messed up, T and otherwise, that I wasn't satisfied until they were practically bleeding in distress on the floor from the motions and scripted statements I was forcing them to say. I made people feel small when they made a mistake, and I made them apologize for it in successive iterations, they had to pony up so much proof of their true distress at their misstep, and rub their knees raw from the begging that it was like there was practically no person left. I gave them no room to just apologize, they had to beg for forgiveness. And when people finally made reparations and said exactly what I wanted them to say, it was hollow and dissatisfying to me.
I don't think there is any magic in particular words of apology and I think allowing people to express it even if you disagree with how they put it or whether you think it's enough is much better for relationships than the opposite. In my history, there's not anything that could ever make up for what was done to me. And I think that's true for any mistake or mess up, an apology, even if perfectly worded, can't undo the damage that's been done. The choice is either to move forward and continue to be in a relationship with that person, or to leave. At least in my own life i'm not really a fan of apologies. I am a fan of telling the other person how what happened affected me, in a way that doesn't attack or shame them. When they apologize and indicate they wish it could be different, they understand, that' s enough for me, even if it's as simple as "I'm sorry."
But the real benefit I noted is that when I started letting people off the hook, whether or not I continued to be connected/in relation to them, I started forgiving myself for the mistakes and missteps I made, that my own imperfections and errors bothered me much less. An unanticipated side effect but a welcome one.