Hi Lennie! When I was first diagnosed 11 yrs ago with bpd I felt the same as you. I went through many diagnoses before anyone figured what I had. Mental health professionals, my case manager all tried to help. They said they understood how I felt and this infuriated me because they DIDN'T know how I felt. At the time I didn't realize they were only trying to help and they didn't truly understand what it meant to be borderline. When they said or did the least little thing I would get very angry and tell them to go away and I never wanted to see them again. Once I calmed down(days later), I would go back, sometimes crying, saying I was sorry and that I didn't really mean it, I just wanted all the pain to go away. They understood. They continued to help and supprt me and would sometimes talk to me about how I felt uncensored. Then after time I slowly let people in. I am always afraid to let certain people know how I really feel because of the judgment and I do enough of that myself. You are not a freak and no one hates you. I consider this one of the phases you go through in trying to understand bpd. Don't ever be ashamed of your feelings, because they are your feelings. Things will get better. Talking with others about how you feel will help you process how you feel and give you a better understanding of yourself. I hope this helps.