Argh.

It seems like we alternative between good and "off" days. "Off" doesn't mean "bad,' but what I specifically mean is that it seems whenever I want to be lovable/affectionate/cuddly, he doesn't want to be, or vice versa. We both want affection from each other but aren't quite getting it, at least that's how I feel... I'm just so tired from work that half of the time I just want to be alone for an hour or two when I get back home, but I feel guilt when I ask for it. My SO doesn't have a problem with it, but nevertheless I find myself feeling guilty, and thus I never truly enjoy "me" time. And it seems whenever I want to cuddle with him, it feels un-reciprocated. Not all of the time, but since he's alone most of the day I figured he'd be appreciating it. He asked me specifically to be more affectionate and intimate with him, but (sometimes) he still acts surprised by my kisses and so forth... it's so confusing. Again, this is NOT most of the time, but when it happens it throws me off... And of course, I worry that I'm not being affectionate enough in my day-to-day life Perhaps I should just confront him and ask if I'm doing enough?

I also recently realized that I spend a majority of every day, and thus my life, thinking/worrying about him. This has been going on for a long time, and I'm trying to be more mindful of it. This means I rarely make decisions based solely on my pure thoughts/emotions; for the past 2 years they've been tainted with trying to please my SO. There's been only a little pressure from him for me to be "accommodating," the rest is just me... worrying...

I think this will get significantly better once he goes home. He's got school and a job all set up for him there. I hate that my automatic thoughts are to always assume people are out to get me, or that they don't like me, or that I've done something wrong. His lack of enthusiasm and my lack of self-confidence has, at least in my head, made this whole relationship thing really hard on me. It's been getting better since I first joined this forum, but if only there was a magic button to make it (the anxiety) all go away.