Hi sinking. Sorry you're struggling at present and struggling to continue on. I know those feelings too. But what I'd like to say is, if your meds are the only things helping you, then I wonder if you should talk to your doctor about trying a different medication - one that would be difficult to abuse? There are such meds. Or really focus on trying to break the meds abusing pattern? I know, the whole thing is a big pain in the a.ss, a merry-go-round which doesn't seem to lead very far - yet, it would be best to keep trying.

Keep yourself as safe as you can sinking, try to put the darker thoughts into the back of your mind and don't give up please.