Sorry to say that your life experience kinda sounds like mine....drifting, bouncing off the walls directionless with a goal in mind (mine?) and going off on tangents.
As far as initial trauma as a baby- that’s something that I feel like I will never know being too young to remember even if I could. It just has to be a traumatic event to a child’s mind to initiate the prevention of integration...repetitive? Idk. I was raised with very abusive parents and that there pretty much cinches it for me.
But then again....was I born this way???
Self-hypnosis I did try...I’d always fall asleep, lol.
Or the Others would just go blah blah blah.
I’d just not stress over it and let it flow instead of pushing it. I’ve heard that your mind might give it up when it’s ready to.