Saw T for the second time this week, the first time was Wednesday. He asked how I've been doing. I thought about it for a bit. Said yesterday was fine, I was a bit stressed because I had to hand in my thesis. The evening before was a bit weird... "So, Wednesday? Did you get back home alright?" (We spent most of that session trying to get me to stop dissociating so much, so I'd at least manage to go home). The journey home was alright. But at home I got very scared. Because I thought I shouldn't share stuff with him anymore. I assumed that because he got worried when I told him about some suicidal thoughts. He told me that my impression was right that he'd been worried. But that he managed to relax a lot more when I pointed out that this is a constant thing and is currently not more urgent than on another occasion. I asked whether he hadn't noticed that I constantly think about suicide, about which he laughed (it was meant ironically, so I didn't mind him laughing).

I said I was just worried because I didn't want him to worry every time I talk about these things. But I also want to talk about it, because I don't have anyone else to share it with. He told me that was fine. Worrying was part of his job. And that he just got concerned because he knows some people will go "oh, I'm fine" and then suddenly die. He just wants to make sure I'd tell him beforehand. I replied that he'd notice if I'd actually plan to do it. Because there's things that I'd want to do first. (He didn't ask me to elaborate, but some of these things involve him, and I'm pretty sure he'd pick up on those things because all of them would be out of character for me).

I relaxed a bit and said those thoughts are pretty constant right now. Like yesterday, I got up, ate breakfast, got on the train to university. On the train I did some corrections for my thesis. Then I arrived at my desk, started to work. That all was fine. But as soon as I'd get up to for example go to the bathroom, I'd constantly either think about suicide or self harm. It's like my default. Other people might think about what groceries they need to buy on the way home or something, I think about that. He asked how I feel during that. I said mostly empty. He asked me to elaborate what 'empty' feels like, which I did. He asked about how the thoughts work, like are they fast, slow, do they go in circles? I said they feel pretty normal, just the content is disturbing. And usually if I go outside and stuff like that I have to pay attention not to get into an accident because I'm not fully there.

He asked whether I knew that kind of feeling from other times in my life? I said I couldn't remember too well, most of my memories are of very intense emotions. But I assume I knew emptiness as well back then, since in situations where those emotions would have been appropriate, I didn't feel them. Like I'd be scared at home, but not when I was in school. "School was pretty bad, huh?" I nodded and tried to hide my face. Whether there was an example of something that made me afraid? I said currently I'm thinking about one situation... I got quiet again, and at some point said it's hard to talk about it. He asked me whether I wanted to, to which I said yes. Then he encouraged me for a while.

It was in the third year of high school, meaning I was about 14 or 15. Boys and girls had separate physical ed classes. Boys would always do cool stuff like play soccer. But I had the impression most girls didn't want to move at all... whenever it was the last lesson before vacation time or something like that, we'd do something 'fun'. To the rest of the class, that was apparently massaging each other. And I didn't participate and felt like I didn't belong. He asked why I didn't want to take part in it. I said I don't like to be touched. And also because it felt weird... "Because...? Say it!" - "Because I like women..." He sounded very happy I managed to say that. We then continued to talk for a bit about what exactly bothered me about the situation. He asked whether somebody made mean comments about it. I said no, nobody ever talked to me... He suggested that other people might have said well, it's a sexual situation but it's kind of enjoyable, why I didn't feel that way? I said even if I didn't have the issue with touch, it would still not have worked. I didn't want to anyone to see that I cut. And then there was also the voice of my mom in my head, saying my skin looked ugly. "Yeah, but nobody would have seen that..." - "Uh, they all took their shirts and bras off to do that stuff." - "... WHAT? Okay, I've never heard that one before. The teacher too?" - "Yeah." He said that would never work anymore these days. I think he kind of realized why it was such a difficult situation. We talked some more about why I still thought about this situation. What was it that really bothered me about it. We got to the conclusion that I felt left out. Like I was different and nobody wanted to socialize with me because of it, like I didn't belong.

He asked me whether I can be sad about that that happened, that I didn't have anyone? I tried to feel it, but he kept talking. He asked again whether I can feel that, and I said: "You're talking too much...". "Oh, right... sorry...". He got a bit quiet and I managed to cry as well as feel sad sometimes. At some point he got up to get me tissues, saying that tissues are an important thing. He does that every time I cry now, for the past 5 or 6 weeks. Before that he went for a whole year without ever even mentioning tissues... kind of makes me wonder why he started doing that. But I don't mind. He made sure I don't get too worked up, remember to breathe and stuff like that. After a while there was a plane or something that made some noise and scared me, after that I couldn't concentrate anymore and we decided to say good bye. He gave me a second appointment again next week, which felt very nice.