I was doing better, the last few weeks. Even thinking to myself, "wow, the people who said time heals were right" and now I back slid.
I saw something online that triggered a song that he once told me to listen to. The song made me cry when I was still seeing him and made me cry again when I listened to it. He started consuming my thoughts again.

My brain is at the point where (not sure if anyone understands this) I feel as if it might just be better to keep thinking about him, as in pretend or something. I don't know how to describe this. I don't have time or money for counseling. And when I've tried going years ago it makes me feel even worse.

Last night I almost met a guy to make out. (we've been friends for awhile, don't ask) Now, I am tempted to contact another ex lover, but part of me is afraid I will start thinking about the guy I miss and start crying. And I'm not really into this other guy anymore anyway. I've been on dating sites but no one interests me. When they start asking questions I realize I can't answer the way I want to because I hate everything about myself. I don't want to say what I do for work, where i live, because I will come across as a loser.
I feel I need to make myself better before dating, I have been trying for ten years and am so depressed I just can't do it. (which is why I resorted to having a thrill with married men for sex and excitement)
I still feel as if this is all a bad dream and my mind wants to think I will see this guy again. It's weird. But then I realize it is not a dream. IT IS REAL. HE IS REALLY GONE. and my brain just can't cope.