((((bigbear68))))

Welcome to PC. I am glad you are here. I understand what you are going through. I have been all over the spetra of eating disorders. I have just not eaten and binged and purged until I was just sick. I had taken pills of every kind from diet pills that were prescribed to diet pills I could order that could have killed me. I also downed laxatives to the point that it was killing me inside.

I know that it feels so out of control, yet, in the same breath--it is the only control you think you have although in reality it is controlling you. Right now I am fighting my weight. I was hurt really bad as a child, and I thought that by being heavy no one would hurt me anymore. And though I thought I had that control, I really did not. I continued to be hurt and I was also hurting myself--even more than I realized or wanted to admit. So, now I am living in a safe place--and wanting to lose the weight and get back to where I used to be.

It is a struggle, I have to learn to eat all over again. I have to retrain my brain, and realize that I am safe. One thing I did realize, is that in reality--I really did not have the control--the disorder controlled me. I also tried OA which is a very wonderful group. They can give you the support out in the real world that you need. But you also now have us that you can talk to ANY time you need.

I am here and would love to be here for support and friendship to you. Just feel free to PM me anytime you want to and I will write back. Many of us here go through this--different ways--but the same thing. You are not alone. You took the first step by reaching out and writing. I am proud of you and your bravery that it took to do that. Thank you for trusting us enough to do that. Keep reaching--I am listening.

Do you have a T? Maybe he/she could help you sort through some of the feelings you are having. I too have looked into the lap-band surgery and was told that because of my depression and all, they would not do it at this time. Doing a surgery is a big lifestyle change and sometimes we are just not ready yet but that does not mean that it could not be done in the future.

Just know that I will be here for you if you want to ever talk. I understand and I really care.

cami