I wasn't the strong one like my brother said on new years day 2012 when grandad passed away. It was my brother who was the normal one. He expressed his emotions the way he was meant to unlike his dad and Granda. And his nan and aunt thought the world of him for being emotional. It was me who wasn't in touch with my emotions. But when your hamsters died mum comforted you. Me and mum didn't have that. It would have been selfish of me to try and enforce the way I was practically neglected compared to you. I told Fred. But telling the doctors who have a permanent record of every session. I couldn't do it. The nurses said I could say that I would never get better going home because I was subjected to really bad verbal abuse, of a violent nature and there was no need to be specific. Part of the reason I was there was because I thought no one would believe me.

Nan said when I admitted at 24 that I was maybe jealous of my brother because it was just me and mum for a spell when she left my father. I told her that my mum went out partying while my father looked after me before she left. I didn't say anything about dinner money or clothes or phone contracts. The bike confession was ignored. And I knew that my nan gave my brother money all the time. But I wasn't a blood relative so It was just the way it was. Me and my brother were too different. I was brains, shy and he was outgoing and practical. My brother wasn't just my mum's favourite. I felt bad enough telling my nan about my brother getting a bike costing over double mine at Xmas. I wish I had never told them.
I only did it because I was set to never come back to my old town.
My brother had nothing to do with my unresolved anger or depression. Where do I start? Like the first time, in hospital opening up memories was not what I needed at the time. I felt it was impossoble to bury the hatchet. I was too old then to try and mend things. But if a victim can forgive a perpetrator for sexual assault or other crimes then I can forgive my mum for extreme favouritism. And I need to put my issues in perspective. And It was easier for me to see why David was just trying to be tough than understanding my mums motives for making me feel an inch tall my entire childhood. She told my uncle's family she had a hard life so why did she make mine so difficult? The circle isn't easy to identify when you are inside it. It takes an outsider to save you. There is always suicide. I would have been a good mum if I stayed with Fred. I really would. I would got a therapist. I would have never drunk. I would have taken cooking classes. If I got mad I would say sorry and get them a token.of appreciation. I'd never have been like my mum or my father.