First order of this post- I am no longer taking zyprexa.

On Wed the 8th a Boy I was a nanny for took his life, I have been having ups and downs with it. We still kept in touch even though he was 29 and his brother is 32. His parents are awesome and stood by him through everything he dealt with. He left a letter and My husband read it but told me I shouldn't. I have not asked why or what was in it that would trigger me. They put the letter out so that everyone could see the love Kyle had.
I did see my doc,and he said what I felt was normal.
a week later is when I was put on zyprexa. I have been also told to check in each day through his internet message portal. I also am to see and check in with therapist. I was out of town and with people over the last few days , so they took that as me being safe from harming myself.

I am hyper one day and dark depressed the next and this goes back and forth.I go through days of wanting to leave this world. Not because of Kyle, just for myself. I am just puzzled as to when do you know to reach out for help or go IP. I was just there in May. I have not attempted anything but man sometimes it is so hard.

Even when I am hyper I have thoughts and when depressed they are even worse.
I am afraid of IP for that they may want to mess with my meds to much, or do I just need a safe place for a while.