I wish I saw paths forward, I feel lost and blockaded by a fear of debt and feeling like all aspects of life are commodified. Somedays I just think, I'd like to work construction despite having no history and not being very physically fit. I don't know what I'm moving forward to, just about anything has appeal but with everything as an option, nothing seems reasonable; I don't feel like I know how to narrow it down, I feel severely messed up. I had the same problem with relationships, I wanted to be a person for that person rather than a person that was myself appealing to another on my own terms. I somehow worked beyond that (I think) but in the occupational sense, I feel like I'm still struggling with that idea; I want the world to tell me what I'd be good at and what I should be doing. I feel too old to experiment, and too gun shy to make another decision.

I feel like those that do move beyond this follow some path they see or is presented in front of them, I feel like I'm in a foggy traffic circle, spinning around. I want guidance but I don't know where to start their either.

I feel like I've missed the boat on finding, perhaps not a passion, but a fit for me. The driving should be a good job, my girlfriend envys me so I feel like I should be happy but it fills me with anger and I don't know why. Perhaps resentment as I listen, for hours a day, to people with seemingly better livelihoods, obviously without knowing the downsides their lives must clearly have.

I feel trapped and wanting a hand to hold and guide me somewhere but I don't even know where. I like the idea of shedding the monetary world but I don't know how reasonable that is.

I feel stupid and like I should just buck up but it doesn't feel right, like I sit here and type and then think how stupid I am to be complaining. I want to be happy, I want to enjoy life and not question my existence. I don't get why I can't just get over this, and in the next moment I'll think I can and have gotten over something that shouldn't be a complaint to begin with.

It'd be somewhat relieving but also disheartening to realize I have clincial depression, I hate to think I cede control of my functions to something inside me rather than a lack of actionable forward steps.