I just bumped into an ex-boyfriend from when I was fourteen. My first love, I suppose. I haven't seen him for eighteen years. I broke his heart and left him for another black-t-shirted baggy-trousered teenager who was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive and taught me how to take a pencil sharpener apart and cut myself with it.

He still seems like a nice guy. I wonder how my life would have gone if I'd stayed with him instead. Or would that have been impossible, was seeking out an abusive partner (there have been a few) written into my DNA? I was never meant to be with a nice boy.

I feel weird. I miss you. Help.