It’s a delicate balance I am trying to do. I don’t want to go no contact and have no relationship at all. It’s too painful and it excludes me from the rest of the family. Plus, she gets over the fight and will act her normal once again. She’s not always nasty. It comes and goes. I still don’t really understand what makes her be nice sometimes, then get vicious others. Maybe it has to do with her reeling me back in once I’ve stopped calling her, her being nice when I am doing something nice for her, her being nice when I have been hurt by someone else (like calling to check on me when my husband moved out, or commiserating with me when I defriended my best friend)

She gets vicious when I criticize her. Like this last time; she wanted to have a political rant while I indulge her by listening. Not an actual conversation. That would mean a give and take between us, and she doesn’t let me get a word in. When I told her I did not want to hear it and I didn’t care about her facebook posts, she must have gotten insulted. So then when she had the conversation with my aunt, who said she was disappointed in me and my sisters, my mom couldn’t wait to call me to tell me I’m a POS. See, if I understand her, I can deal with her better.

But, while I am actively telling myself to stay calm and not react, I end up criticizing her but that only makes her get vicious. Why do I have such a hard time understanding that?

I was diagnosed with PTSD. I think this is that kind of reaction. When I do this, it makes me feel bad. I don’t like fighting with my mother. But it feels like if I don’t I feel like I’ve been emotionally attacked and if I don’t defend myself and call her out on her bad behavior, if feels like getting beaten up and just turning the other cheek. That’s very tough to do!