OMG...! This brought tears to my eyes. (A lot of it sounds way too familiar.) I know you wrote you don't need a therapist or a psychiatrist. But I think you do probably need somebody you can talk to.

I'll tell you there are things about myself I never shared with anyone for most of my life. (I'll spare you the details.) Some but not all of it came spilling awkwardly out a few years ago. Still... no one was really interested. So I soon crept back into the closet, so to speak, & closed the door. I'm still there. And I can tell you, from personal experience, it is exhausting!

You do matter. And, no, there is no "minimum criteria" you have to measure up to in order to qualify as being worthy of help. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support. But there's really no substitute for real-life help. So I hope that, in some way, you can find a way to reach out. I wish you well...