Porn and masturbation is the only way that feels safe, but it's not satisfying. I'm not sure I've ever found much to be satisfying. Whenever it involves another person I'm running the risk of someone making me feel bad for how I look or getting frustrated/upset that I can't get off or be satisfied quickly and easily or really at all.

A lot of people are showing me that I'm not attractive through words and action (well, inaction). For example, the partner I had for almost four years found me having more body hair than usual to be unappealing. Since I didn't have money to get a full body wax, I had to shave/pluck everything the best I could. I'm pudgy too, always have been since puberty. Any "official" exercise (like going to a gym) has a high chance of triggering me and/or making me anxious and even though I try to eat well most of the time, thinking about calories will mess up my eating so it's not like it would be easy to be less pudgy. And because I'm pudgy and have large breasts, I can't really look androgynous and that makes me feel less attractive. I couldn't bind if I wanted to...I would look like a muscular man and I find men like that to be unattractive.