Warning... Mature Content!

Not sure if this is the right forum or even allowable, but I need some advice. I am in my mid 40s and in my 4th intimate relationship. Problem us, as much as I really want intimacy, I'm emotionally, physically, and mentally scared of it.

My issues started when I was young. I was sexually abused by a neighbor and have felt guilt and shame about it for MANY years. Eventually, I came to terms (somewhat) with the abuse and eventually sought an intimate relationship. Since the abuse, my brain isn't in the right place for intimacy, so I am very inexperienced and mentally immature about proceeding and maintaining an intimate relationship. So, fast forward through 4 intimate relationships and they have ALL been the same. Frustration, criticism, inexperience, and abuse, have all played a part in my fear of intimacy.
EVERY person I've been with has cheated on me, insulted me, and cast me aside. Then, after they cheat on me they wonder why I'm not sexually 'into' them like THEY expect. All of this has hurt my confidence, desire, and efforts to be intimate. However, a BIG part of me really enjoys the closeness and connections that intimacy provides. Unfortunately though, I have sexually capacity and experience of a teenager trapped under the guise of a older guy. Many women 'my age' have difficulty understanding how I'm not more 'knowledgable', 'experienced', or 'into' sex than I actually am. Little do they know though that I WANT it as bad as them, I just dont want the criticism, abuse, feelings of inadequacy, and doubt that seems to come with it. Any hope being THIS old of EVER overcoming my fears?

SSL. If you've made it this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I hope it wasn't TMI as I tried to gloss and censor as best as I could.
Thanks!