So I joined a mindfulness group, partly because I felt a need to try and 'let go' more (I'm super aware and mindful of everything but it all gets evaluated for threat level - no acceptance or self compassion), but also because I don't socialise and wanted to experience being in a group of like minded people. Finding it hard though. Last week I got upset because someone walked out upset themselves and I immediately started worrying about them and what I could do to make things better (and even whether I'd done something wrong) and at the same time worrying that she might hurt herself and it took me straight back to childhood and suicidal mum. I ended up leaving myself in tears.

But there's also a woman in the group I really like, she's funny and playful and has a lovely smile and we seem to have a lot in common but I just can't untangle my feelings from my fears. I would love tell her I think she's beautiful but don't want to potentially upset her or mess up her positive experience of the group, my thoughts are all based on 'she's never going to be really interested in me'. And then today she turned away from me at the start of the group and suddenly I felt she really doesn't like me and how can I blame her, then she talked to me later and I'm back in 'she's so lovely' mode. It's exhausting!

I'm just not fit to be in relationships (so why do I feel so lonely?)