I'm home earlier than I thought I'd be and I'm glad because I got sick today. I'm very depressed. I will never be like other people. The past 4 days gave me a glimpse of what life is like for most people that don't have depression. I smiled a few times because some things were funny. but.

People I think are basically the same. What I really don't like is how everyone loves to talk about someone else. Like a relative of the bf's, I like him. He's quite nice and thoughtful. Well he got gout in his leg, and instead of sympathy, when he wasn't around, people were being nasty and saying "did you see how much he ate? He went up at least 3 times for supper, he's so fat, if he'd lose weight I bet he wouldn't have problems". Sometimes I hate the nature of people. There was more back talk about other people.

And I know people seem happy and might not be, but they definitely don't live in the despair I feel most of the time. Somehow they accept life as it is, and are able to joke and be sociable. I'm just not. Never was. I like being with one person for a while,, maybe a few, then I want to be alone. I can't handle days with tons of people. Sorry for the length of this, I guess it doesn't matter, I'm venting and I've always been thankful for psych central.

I'm starting to understand why my boyfriend doesn't want me. I am depressed almost all the time. I can't be positive enough for him. He'll say "cheer up would ya?" or, "can you at least smile sometimes?" and I'll try. And, as superficial as it is, honestly, I had a good look at myself in the sunlight today, and realized just how ugly my face has gotten. Moles, wrinkles, deep pores. I know how vain I sound. I never appreciated my body, ever. And now I'm old. I don't judge others for the way they look, but I just can't stand how I do. Maybe the bf wants a chance for someone better in every way.

I'm waiting until his brother goes home to tell him I'm letting him go. He's wanted this for so long. We almost made it to 3 years. But he's so unhappy, he has said so much that is hurtful, but its his truth and he has every right to feel how he does. He doesn't want me. But takes me back, and he has said many times now "you guilt trip me", many more things that a woman would be crazy to try to keep him.

I feel sick. My sons are ok, and I'm having thoughts of making a plan to exit this life. I'm tired of it.