So, I know there are many stages of grieving, but I just can't deal with the anger and sadness right now. On top of that I have a p-doc that canceled two days in a row and I can't see him til March 12th and I REALLY need to be back on meds.

I am sooo soooo soooo angry that I can't control it. I had such an outburst tonight and told my boyfriend I was going to leave and wouldn't be back out of fear that I wouldn't be able to control myself.

It is so not fair that mom had to suffer for the last 6 years only to lose a battle that few seem to win with cancer. I am only 33, I am supposed to have my mom there for my wedding, for the birth of my first child and just for emotional support. She is the one that always cooked the holiday dinners. She is the one that kept us in line. She was the rock and now our rock has crumbled and gone.

I miss her so much. I just want her back...not in pain. I don't want to be angry and sad anymore. I don't want to have to go to work pretending like I am just fine and I am dealing wonderfully....cuz I'M NOT! I know "things will get better in time" and "time will heal your heart" and "it's ok to be sad", but is it ok to be so darned angry at the world? Is it ok to just hate everything and everyone right now? Is it ok to just wish to be with her sometimes? I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything, please don't take it like that, I just want to be held in her arms again.

I am struggling to keep myself in check and it worries me that I am going to just lose it all together. I don't know what to do.
I just really needed to vent.