i was off today and although i enjoyed being able to sleep in, i've felt kind of down, empty and aimless. i haven't been enjoying work lately so i don't know where the hell i'm wanting to be if not work or home. did some painting, which was nice, also got paint in my eye - long story. did some exercise. have been trying to set up an appointment with a new therapist but can't get through on the phone. i'm not looking forward to work tomorrow.

i was in IP treatment for quite a long time a few years ago, and have a whole lot of baggage left over from it. the therapists there had no boundaries, were manipulative and, i allow myself to think when i'm being totally honest, emotionally abusive. at the time i went there from living with my family, which was an unhappy situation, and in many ways i felt better in IP, because it felt like a functional family. certain things were really bad and there was always underlying fear, but there was a sense of community and being held that hasn't happened anywhere else. i sometimes wish i could get that back when i feel down like this, but at the same time i would never want to go back to that IP place.