It was a good session this week (TM my T).

We returned to some of the frustration I expressed last time when I got so angry (at other people and events) in his presence. I really let fly last week. I am happy to report that I didn't swear a single time this week.

Several times during this session, I was having these moments of uncomprehension. I would say something, and it would be so at odds with what I had said earlier or what I knew to be true. And I would hear my words and say to T, I know that is not true. I was having these little disconnected moments where I was contradicting myself while being aware I was contradicting myself, and I would call myself on it, but I couldn't help it. I didn't make sense. It was disturbing, like I could see myself saying stuff that was not true, but yet somehow, it was true also. Very confusing!

I reminded T how last week he told me he saw the fear that was behind my anger, and I told him he was so right. He asked me, "what can I, as your therapist, do to help?" That question stopped me in my tracks. They should ask that more often! Sure I know I can always tell him, but sometimes I forget... I asked him if he could help me figure out why I am so scared. He sat back with this satisfied look on his face--he really seemed to like that answer, kind of like great, let's dig in!

So we worked on that. I got a little brave and shared with him this intense and painful childhood memory that had come charging into my brain almost immediately after our last session, before I was even out the door of his waiting room. The events were not connected at all to what I am currently going through, but yet some of the feelings I am experiencing now are identical and it recalled this childhood event from the depths of memory. It was hard to share the tale with T as it was yucky stuff, but I got it out. (This is the great value of our trust.)

After that, a lot became clearer for T. He said you have more than one ego state here tonight. Your little 7 year old girl ego state is flitting in and out. I see her. She is the girl of this memory. (We have worked with ego states before and done some integration work, but with a younger girl of about 5.) But your adult ego state is here too. That's the dissonance you feel tonight. Your adult ego state will say one thing, and then your little girl ego state will express something else, as seen through her own lens, and it is contradictory. Your adult will respond to this and say it's not true, that it doesn't make sense. But yet you feel it is true--your younger ego state holds that truth--and your adult cannot put the contradictions together. That is why you are so confused.

Then he reassured me that this is completely normal, a common response to trauma. The younger ego state went through this traumatic experience and now I am recalling it, and here she is, not integrated because of the unresolved trauma. He said I am experiencing PTS--flashbacks, the fear, fighting with my anger to protect myself, the presence of the younger ego state, the inconsistencies, etc. He is going to do EMDR with me and this little girl ego state to resolve the trauma. (We have done similar EMDR work with even younger ego states.) It felt good to have this "new" ego state that has manifested be recognized by him. At one point he said, "I am holding your little girl in my arms," and he made a sort of cradle gesture with his arms. It also made me feel better to have more insight into my inconsistency and dissonance, as he called it. The discrepancies have been very unsettling for me. EMDR was very helpful when we did it before, over a year ago, and helped me process stuck trauma. I'm so hoping that resolving this past trauma will help me with the intense anxiety I have been feeling about present events. It's been limiting my ability to function in certain circumstances.

T said several times, "this has been such a good session"--because he learned so much and how better to help me. It's like he's found some new pieces to the puzzle.

On my way out, I passed him where he had gone to sit at his desk. I put my hand on the doorknob to go out. "Wait!" he said, and quickly stood up and came up to me and opened his arms. Hug time. It was a long one. I felt so safe. I loved the insistency in his voice when he said "wait!"