Hello,
This is my first post.

I guess I just need a place to express my feelings. I have a lot of family, but they are all dealing with this as well. My husband is a big help, he lost his father about a decade ago. He tries to tell me things get better, that he understands, but I don't think he does. Yes, he lost his Father, but he didn't lose MY Mother. Just like I don't think I could ever tell anyone I understand what they are going through. I didn't lose their person. My mom was only 57. We had no idea this was coming. She found out she had cancer, and died the next day. This was a month ago.

My husband says I will be ok. I tell him I think he is wrong. I will not be ok. My head is constantly swimming with the memory of the phone call at work that she wasn't breathing, the drive to her house, getting the news on the front lawn, losing my mind in the driveway. She was still there.

I had just seen her the night before. I almost told her I couldn't make it to our weekly date. She told me she had cancer, she cried. I acted strong and optimistic, I didn't hug her when she cried. My emotions flooded me on the way home and the rest of the night. She was going to tell my brothers the next day. She didn't make it.

All the "I am so sorry for your loss", was old within a few hours. "If there is anything I can do..." like what? "How are you holding up?" Do you really care, or do you just want me to say I am ok so you don't have to deal with it? I put it to the test after a while. "I am doing awful, I am a mess all the time." That does it, ends the conversation so fast and I am able to go about my business.

7 Grand children, and another on the way. Due in 2 weeks. She will never meet my new nephew. I cancelled the baby shower.

She was the glue that kept this family together. Now everyone keeps telling me its up to me now. I don't have it in me. "Keep an eye on Grandma... she needs you." Yes, I know that, like I didn't think of that in the first place. "How is your Father doing" Why don't you ask him? He's terrible.

Every time I catch myself in any type of smile or laugh it hits me like a bat, your mom is dead, what's wrong with you? I've been measuring time in before and after. She was still alive then, this was after she passed. 10pm on a Wednesday she was still here, a month ago right now is the last time we spoke, this exact time on a Thursday I was finding out. How dare these flowers in the yard keep growing! Don't they know what happened?

I don't know. I don't know what is normal to be feeling and what isn't. I just don't know.