So just a disclosure, I do NOT actually want to do these things. They are only thoughts that go on in my head, so don’t be afraid. So ever since I was 16, I’ve had suicidal ideations. I always pictured myself going into my classroom and getting in front of the class and shooting myself. I was a very unpopular kid in high school. I was weird, quiet, very socially awkward. I had a hatred at the time for everyone in my school, but I never really had any sort of homicidal ideations until after high school, they were mostly suicidal ideations. Now I would never do these things because I have a girlfriend and I love her a lot and I’m really close to my mom and I would never want to leave them, but sometimes Why might I be posting this? Well I just need an answer. What could this come from? Is it from my cyclothymia? I’ve always speculated that I had Bordeline Personality Disorder because I always feel this abandonment and boredom and I always question people’s loyalty around me and get suspicious if my girlfriend is cheating on me or not even though she’s very loyal. I’m really easily to anger and I get upset over stupid stuff and will have a low self esteem about myself one moment and have a high self esteem the next minute. Even now I’m paranoid about even posting this because I don’t want people taking this seriously and reporting me. my only question is why am I having these things? I’m actually going to visit a psychiatrist to get some medication but don’t know if I need a new diagnostic if these symptoms are sounding like BPD or if instead of anxiety meds (I have GAD) I need a mood stabilizer or something. Anyways thank you everyone for your time