Tried to make friends, failed. Was even told by two people(not here) that I should give it up and find another path to happiness. I don't think they are wrong. Boring ugly stupid worthless super fat piece of crap and many more words and phrases accurately describe me.

It just sucks, I wish I could go back 9 months ago where I never felt lonely. The only people that will talk to me are my realtor and interior designer, which despite wishing for a true friendship seems impossible. Not dating, just friends. Can't do it because I suck. The only other person is a cashier that seems to enjoy making me feel awkward. I guess she is bored but at least she will talk to me like I am an actual person, which is probably her biggest joke.


Every day I wake up in a panic attack for no reason at all. And I wake early, which is bad because I usually don't fall asleep until after 4. I end up having to take a nap where I don't really sleep, just stress and shake inside.

So I barely do anything at all the past few weeks. Mowing my lawn is a grand achievement. Yeah

I had a little accident a few weeks ago and hurt my ribs and got a minor concussion bouncing my head off the street. All of the symptoms of both have come back in the past few days which really sucks but makes me happy. Hurts to breathe, massive headaches that are strangely different from my chronic migraine and tension headaches. Lots of pressure in my head too. I just don't feel right and perhaps it is a good thing.

I gave my daughter a list of things to do when I am gone. Like getting the VA to dispose of me for free and sell my house. I have only had it for 5 months and it has increased in value at least $20k so at least they can get a little money out of my worthless life.


It is not that I am going to kill myself. Sadly, I know I will not. I have SI everyday but have had that for over 20 years but this accident might be a happy way out without causing undue stress on my children and grandchildren.


I just hope I can see them all which I am planning a road trip tomorrow to see my other daughter and her kids. I can't see myself making it back. I just see darkness but I can see me hugging my grandkids one more time so that is good.

My paranoia and psychosis is getting worse but I am not sure if I really have those. When my daughter or granddaughter are here my symptoms are minimal at worse. When I am alone there are ghosts and demons everywhere in my house. Making noises, shaking the house and all sorts of fun things.


When I say I don't feel right, I think it may be the death of me. I am not sure if I am that lucky and am just hoping for something that will not happen anytime soon. After all, I don't know if I have suffered enough to make up for being a worthless pile of crap.


I don't seem to have any purpose at all anymore so why bother? I think I might have used to have value but not anymore. I can't work, aren't well enough to volunteer, been so bad my daughter and granddaughter are rarely here and they live here! So I don't have to watch and spend time with my sweet little granddaughter nearly as much. Maybe not even 1/4 of what I used to.

Sorry for any typos or word salad