I think I am actually losing my mind this time. If it falls out will someone pick it up dust it off and hand it back please? Wednesday night I had to call my dad about a receipt I needed to return something to walmart and I asked him so how are you and he said not good. I'm thinking uh oh what did I do now well it turns out my landlord called him telling him if I didn't clean my apartment I was going to get kicked out. Why Lew doesn't think he can come tell me this himself is beyond me but anyway...I tell dad ok I'm working on it now and will have it done tomorrow. He says see that it is and we hung up. Well I started to cry and get overwhelmed and did a bunch of black and white thinking and cut. Dad called me yesterday morning on the way to work to say that he's coming over after work to inspect. I say ok and start to work my butt off. I am proud of myself for what I had gotten done and was relaxing on the couch as I had hurt my back doing all this cleaning and could barely move. Well he comes in his eyes bug out and he says you call this clean? He stomped around my apartment and declared that it was awful and that if I had worked my butt off he'd wouldn't have wanted to see it to begin with. He told me I needed to clean off my counters and put all my appliances in the cupboard...ummm my cupboard space is very limited and they are to tall as I have tried that. He also lit into me telling me I shouldn't have open food out and the only food that was out was what was in my crockpot cooking for dinner and when I pointed that out to him he told me not to get smart. So the program now is my parents come in once a week to inspect and if its not up their standards then first my internet privileges get taken away, then my cable and then my phone. I was also told I needed to get down on my hands and knees and scrub my floor in the kitchen and when I told him even if I did that for a week it still wouldn't look clean because it sure didn't when I moved in he told me I was being a smart mouth and to shut up. I laid there and cried somemore he left slamming the door and all night long I cried. My friend Susan came over and I told her that I was sorry that the place wasn't much cleaner than it was and she said she thought it was clean and not to let what my dad said hurt me. With everything that is going on my dad is the straw that broke the camels back. I don't want to go on anymore I want to lay down and die. I was pissed when I woke up this morning and have called my T and all he says is you think what you give time too so if I give time to my suicidal thoughts of course I'm going to have them. There are no hospital beds in Arkansas for me so I am stuck doing this on my own. IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Janniebug