Hello ThynkrThwym: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you & your wife find yourselves to be in this most difficult situation. You wrote that you don't know what to do or even say when you call your wife. Unfortunately I don't know as there is really much of anything in the way of advice I can offer either. I'm afraid the two of you may be in a position from which there simply is no logical next step. I'd have to admit I don't know what you should say on the phone either other than to talk about some of the things you're doing day-to-day in an effort to improve your circumstances.

You mentioned having broached the subject of couples counseling with your wife early on in this situation. And, at the time, she said no. However, given the current circumstances, perhaps that would be the logical next step. Or the other alternative, I suppose might be to begin arranging some "dates" the two of you could go on together. Of course the fact that you're now living out of state certainly adds another complicating factor to this.

This may or may not be accurate. But, based on what you wrote, it sounds as though your wife is really the one who is in control at this point. She's going to make the decision as to whether or not the two of you get back together & if so when & under what circumstances. And, for your part, you're relegated to trying to see if you can "measure up", so to speak. That certainly puts you in an especially difficult position I would presume. It makes your relationship now sound more like an employer / employee relationship rather than a partnership.

You alluded to some aspects of yourself & your situation you were hiding / glossing over that you were ashamed of & often felt paralyzed by. You didn't mention what those were (not that you should) or whether you have addressed them (perhaps in some sort of therapy) & been able to resolve them. I guess the one thing I can perhaps say, with regard to all of this is that, in the end, you only have control over yourself & what you do. So I think that's what you may be wanting to focus on.

At the end of your post, you listed some objectives you feel you need to accomplish, one of them being to work on your depression & self-esteem, & you mentioned you've already begun working on 2 of them. You also mentioned you're receiving some career counseling / coaching. You didn't mention if you're also participating in any kind of mental health therapy yourself. If not, this may be something else to consider. Career counseling is all well-&-good. (I was a vocational rehabilitation counselor.) But if you are harboring aspects of yourself that cause you shame & paralysis, career counseling may not resolve those issues I would presume. And it may be those things that may continue to plague regardless of how anything else goes.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you & your wish the best...