Not even sure where to start.... Just gutted. So confused, upset, angry, disillusioned, sad - you name it.
To be brief - I'm 50, been in a crazy up and down relationship with 42 y/o. We had a kid together early in our relationship. Things have been completely defunct with us for at least 4 years. Haven't had sex in close to 3 years.
She has long been a heavy abuser of alcohol, and often physically violent with me. I think the main reason that I stayed (this time, left her 2 other times) was to make sure that our son was safe during her drinking.
Early this year, it became obvious that she was involved with at least one other guy. Her Alc abuse was off the rails. She went out often and her stories never added up about where she was. She called me to go pick her up - blotto drunk - several times. I felt like a stupid piece of **** all the time, and she reinforced that.
This guy - who was an old work colleague from a long time ago, came back into her life. She (according to her) became very re-smitten with him right away, and he professed love for her. (Now - all this is from her. I can corroborate some of this from my memory) She went out with him a few times, usually in a group. He kept trying to get her to go home with him. Eventually she decided to go to his place to have a drink.
[Subsequently - a his colleague found out and began action against him that appears to have ruined his career. Don't know the details]
For months she was an emotional wreck - completely unavailable, angry, impatient, blaming, demanding, and so hurtful to me. I had no idea why, but her drinking was so crazy - in the months after this happened. She was traumatized, and it seems she was taking it out on me. Once she finally wanted to get help, it was such a relief. I thought that she was just getting help for her drinking, but it was really about the PTSD. She never spoke a word of what actually happened. She admitted to "kissing" him, but that's it.
Fast forward about 4 months... She got sober, and appears to be staying clean. She went into intensive therapy, and started getting medical / psych help, and got on medication for her issues, and stayed with it. We have been communicating much better, and hanging out, and having fun - enjoying being with each other for the first time in years. I think that she used the improved communication / better footing to "spill the beans".
Anyhow, I am crushed. I knew that she had an emotional affair. I knew that she was to some extent physically/ sexually involved with at least one other guy. A couple months ago I had completely written her off, and was feeling free to move on. Once she started getting help, I was lifted up, and she professed a strong desire to work things out. I was very cautiously optimistic. Things have gotten so much better week over week. I withdrew my court case to get custody of our son.
After her telling me (nearly?) everything that happened, I don't know what to do. She was having an affair - I'm hurt.
I feel like I can't trust her. I feel like I just lost all the hope that had built up over the last 2 months or so. I'm proud of her for being brave enough to be that honest with me - which has been a huge issue. Even after her sharing every detail with me - I don't trust that she told me everything - or that she hasn't told me the whole story.
I have no idea where to go with this, and I'm crushed. I don't know how to do what's best for me, nor do I have any clue about what to do with my relations with her. We still need to co-parent our son. We need to see each other, and there is still some attraction - but I don't know I can look her in the eye.
Help!