Quote:
Originally Posted by missbella
Seeker, I never had CBT. But theoretically, I wouldn't want to invite another human being into my stream of consciousness. So much of my childhood was open for inspection, but my thoughts were the one thing I was entitled to keep to myself.
I'm perhaps opposite of many people here in that I can be too confessing, or be manipulated into expose my vulnerability to people who don't hold my best interests. I've had the project through adulthood of learning to protect my privacy when advisable.
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Thanks so much. This is exactly my point. I simply don't like CBT as it's too shallow and simplistic.
However what's even more important is that I'm not able to submit myself to absolute control of T over my thoughts. Just like you for the most of my life I couldn't control what happened to me (health, war, bullying, alcoholic father) I still don't fully feel in control of my body (looks, health). My thoughts is the only thing in my life where I feel free and fully in control.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy discussing external stuff and I enjoy learning new things learning about different opinions and lifestyles, that's not an issue. However I'd have a huge problem allowing T to say "your thinking is broken, let's fix it" and then they would externally fix my thoughts by brute force, just like you fix a broken leg. When it happens like that I feel vulnerable, submissive, fully controlled by them and feeling like I lost the last thing I have in this life - my thoughts. My whole childhood I've been told I have no right to feel the way I felt because the reasons for the situations and for my neglect were rational. So I had to be a smart girl and be ashamed and hide my feelings otherwise I would be an irrational burden and make things worse for my family.
And now CBT tries to bully me in a similar way. Saying have nothing because I'm not even able to think on my own I need someone else to think for me too.
I know this sounds extremely lame and pathetic and it wouldn't pass a logical analysis (please no need to say how illogical this is, I know). But this is how I feel.
Of course I'm in therapy for change. But I do so much better with an open philosophical discussion, normal talking, finding patterns, lifestyle changes... The change of my thoughts has to be gradual and hidden, so I feel that it's me who's in control not some worksheet or T.