Social anxiety/shyness is something I unfortunately know a lot about. I have had it since I was a young child and I hate it. I ended up doing my master's thesis on it to try to understand it. I have drastically improved it since my 20's. It's still there sometimes, but it is usually manageable unless something else is going on (like depression).

I honestly don't remember how much of this actually came from a therapist, and how much from my own research and experimentation. Mostly all I really want from a therapist is empathy and understanding...I avoid the super bossy ones.

Here is what has helped me:
1. I accept that I am shy. Shyness is partly biological--study after study has proven that. This was huge for me. A lot of my anxiety was really self-hate...why am I like this. I shouldn't be like this...it's all my fault. It isn't my fault. A combination of genes and upbringing made me this way. All I can do is work with it and accept that social things are always going to be harder for me than they are for many other people. It isn't fair, but lots of people have worse things, so I just work with it.

2. Anything that helps self-esteem, helps social anxiety. An accepting and reinforcing therapist can help with this...just be giving you approval that it's ok to be you.

3. The only thing that gets me over being shy or socially anxious is repeated contact with the same people over and over. This is much easier for me in a small group or one on one. It's also easier if there is something else to focus on besides me. I like board games and crafts. I dislike big events where all you do is sit and talk and eat.

4. I learned that I can tolerate anxiety. In fact, I can tolerate a lot of anxiety. Feel afraid, but do it anyway. Anxiety really does reduce eventually if I force myself to do it. Exposure works, as much as it sucks.

5. I'm not going to be perfect. I may very well sound like an idiot when I talk to someone. When that happens I have to forgive myself, and realize that it is likely that the other person was so focused on herself that she didn't notice.

6. It helps to try to seriously focus on the other person. I push myself to stop thinking about me and my feelings and start thinking about her and her feelings. I have learned to be an awesome listener. I know how to ask open ended questions and do reflective listening and all that stuff. It makes people like me because most people love to talk about themselves.

7. Sometimes I get to choose to avoid. When something is too hard that day for whatever reason, sometimes I let myself avoid it. And then I forgive myself. I also really praise myself whenever I do something that was hard for me. I like it when therapists do that too, so I find the ones who will do that for me.

I hope that helps a little. It is one of the most difficult problems, but I promise it can get better. I am a million times less socially anxious than I was when I was younger.