SEPTEMBER MORN: Yes, we are a cold people. My mother's side were all Scots, from the country squire and city merchant perspective, and I know what you mean. My father's side were English and Welsh. They were also not demonstrative, but in a different way. My paternal grandfather wore spats and a beautiful Edwardian hat, which probably didn't signal effusive or warm relationships in the family, either.

There was nothing my Scottish grandparents wouldn't have done for me, and I loved them dearly. They lived by a code of honor that was impeccable. And they taught me the type of thrift that makes a penny scream. There was very much the stiff upper lip thing in the family, however. One was expected to carry on. It was the rule that the public was never to see private emotions. I openly cried at my uncle's funeral. My mother was very sternly disapproving of that, although he was her brother.

At university I learned of many other ways of being in the world. Result? I understand and appreciate diverse ways of dealing with family matters. I don't judge the ways of others, simply because I wouldn't do it that way myself. I do feel as you do, however. I would stop whatever caused discord in a household.

I too was shut out by my husband when his mother died. It hurt. On the other hand, I wouldn't know what to do with a hug from a friend, because hugs have never been part of my life.

As an aside, we Scots have our preferences also. For instance, the last thing I want in my life is the interaction that is, or so I hear, regarded as ordinary to the average Italian: yelling, verbal abuse, storming out of the house, slamming doors, etc., then in the same day effusively kissing and making up. All I can say is that I don't want such stormy behavior in my life. Can you imagine what an Italian would say about Scots? Worse than you would say about us, perhaps! LOL

I have been shoulded on by many persons over this issue. What I now say is that we are who we are. We cannot suit everyone. To another Scot, we are just right. I love to tell Scottish jokes, because of the grain of truth behind them --- such as the one about the dying woman whose hubby asked her, if she felt herself slipping, to put out the candle first. I don't feel I have to deny or apologize for or justify truth. Instead, I celebrate the difference.

Adieu