Hello DucSoup: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult situation. Unfortunately I don't think there is much I can offer in terms of advice other than to suggest that this is perhaps all something you are going to need to work through, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a mental health therapist. It's going to take time & hard work to come to grips with everything that has happened & to decide where you want to go from here.

Here are links to 9 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help:

To Heal After an Affair and Rebuild the Relationship

Affair Recovery: Jealousy, Forgiveness and Building Trust

Surviving Infidelity: Cheating Is Like Relationship Cancer | Surviving Infidelity

Confidential Forgiveness Quiz: To Forgive or Not to Forgive? | Surviving Infidelity

Recovery from Betrayal and Infidelity-Part I | Building Relationship Skills

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...delity-part-2/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...delity-part-3/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...yourself-from/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...ip-the-script/

My best wishes to you...