I think I am at a turning point re:therapy. I feel like I am going to crack at any moment. My mind is stretched taut like a drum. I need to relieve the tension somehow, but I'm not sure what to do. My nearly overwhelming instinct is to flee somehow. However, I'm not certain that my simply not talking to the therapist anymore would be sufficient. Things have been dredged up, and I'm not stupid enough to think that they will go away now just because the therapist does. Also, I don't think I could be a passive bystander to therapy again like I once was, allowing C to attend and not caring to interfere with the process. With Mushy Gushy, I was content to stay silent, except for the couple of times we talked briefly. But this therapist says things that I can't seem to keep myself from responding to.

I don't see a way out of this predicament. I wish I had left therapy to C.

There is an appointment with the therapist in 1.25 hours. If there was ever a time I wanted to no-show, it is now. However, I really have a problem with no-showing on principle, so I would not do that. C wanted to go today, but she's having some issues and isn't around. I could let E go, but she has a big mouth and it's her fault I texted the therapist the information I did (that makes me want to never see her again) last Friday. She said it was how I could make it up to her for something bad I did. So maybe I need to go and do damage control or something. I just feel really... I don't even know. Angry! No... sick and scared. I feel like I can't face the therapist. I don't want her looking at me, either.

But back to the turning point. Something's gotta give. In a perfect world, I could delete everything the therapist knows about me from her mind. That would make me feel better and safe again. Since I can't do that, what do I do? How can I escape everything that therapy has dredged up? How can I make sure that I am never vulnerable when she knows sensitive stuff about me? A little part of me wants to see what happens if I try being honest for a change, instead of avoiding, demurring, omitting, and otherwise doing my best to obscure my history and my feelings. But then most of me thinks that it's absolutely nuts to do any such thing and I must be bonkers to think that's a good idea. I shouldn't give the therapist even more ammo she can use against me.