I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. One thing I would like to suggest to you is you are not a pedophile as long as you have not acted on any of the thoughts in your head. You wrote if someone knows what's wrong with you they should tell you. As you probably are aware, we here on PC cannot diagnose you. That is a job for a mental health professional... which leads me to my next point. At least from my perspective, you must talk with someone about this because it is obviously causing you great internal distress. And talking about it is the way to resolve it... to air it out & let the sunshine in.

You wrote you are afraid to talk with your therapist about it out of fear she will refuse to continue to see you. I suppose that could happen. I don't believe an experienced, skilled therapist would do that. But then I don't know your therapist. And I do know there are lots of therapists out there who don't even deserve the title, in my opinion. But, at least from my perspective, that's a chance you may simply need to take.

If the therapist you're seeing now won't continue to see you, then perhaps you need to find another therapist. Your therapist, any therapist, can only be of as much help to you as possible to the extent that you are honest with them. Withholding something such as this that is of such concern to you really defeats the whole purpose of therapy to my way of thinking.

It would be great if there were some other secret remedy for this... something you haven't heard of that, once you learn of it, will make everything well. If there is... I haven't heard of it. (Perhaps other members here on PC will have some suggestions.) And at least from my perspective continuing to search for something, while holding all of this anxiety & shame inside, is just likely to make it all feel even worse. Oh... & by the way, joining a website for pedophiles? It seems to me that's little short of self-abusive. If you struggled with thoughts of wanting to rob banks would you join a website for bank robbers? (I don't know if such a thing exists. But I wouldn't be surprised.)

Anyway... I really believe the answer to this is to talk it out at-length & in-depth with the help of a skilled therapist... either the one you're seeing now or someone else. I don't know what your financial situation is, of course. But if you can afford it, perhaps you might consider seeing a second therapist in order to deal with this particular concern. Or, in the alternative, perhaps you might look into on-line therapy, again, as an adjunct to what you're already doing.

And then just one other quick thought. If you feel there is simply no way you can arrange to talk this through with anyone, perhaps you might consider starting a journaling practice as a way of attempting to deal with this privately. (I don't know if that's a good idea or not. But it's another suggestion.) Here are links to 6 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that extol the benefits of journaling plus 1 that offers a cautionary note:

The Health Benefits of Journaling

Journaling to Help Reduce Stress and Anxiety | Happily Imperfect

Using Journaling and Meditation to Reclaim Joy

4 Journaling Exercises to Help You Manage Your Emotions

5 Ways to Use Art Journaling to Navigate Anxiety

https://psychcentral.com/blog/intros...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/intros...ot-journaling/

My best wishes to you...