SusannaSays, I admire you, you are brave. This stuff is hard. It's pretty **** too a lot of the time.
I think there is a point where you can't pretend stuff isn't known or stuff didn't happen anymore. A point where you just can't go back to how it was before. I personally have been there with myself and my own others. Its a hard place to be in, because you kind of have an inkling of what's up ahead and you just don't want it. Like, you really, really just don't want that. But at the same time you just can't go backwards, you can't not know it anymore. And there are no other options.

You are brave. This is hard stuff.