so i have this female friend that i have known for hmmm... maybe 12 yrs now. She's great and she'd do almost anything for me. i know i can count on her. i love her. But i give her only certain parts of me.. i dont feel like i can show her a lot of who i am, and i certainly cant talk to her about therapy, my therapist, transference... none of that. i know her well enough to know how she tends to view me and the world overall... i feel like she thinks she has me all pegged out and i know she only knows a small part of me... she doesn't see how she doesn't have life all figured out either... nobody does. It's funny in a sad way that a lot of people think they have me pegged out because they think i confide in them... which i do, to a degree.. but they seem to think i am sharing everything and its just for them.. and none of them are right about it.

i dont expect to know my friends every facett... why do others?

i did a dumbass thing... i mentioned to her in an email about my T, and how i was resentful that he was off enjoying his weekend... and what i got back was a request to know about this attachment i had.. and how it seemed more than doctor patient..

i never ever should have brought it up at all... but right now he is a HUGE part of my life.

It felt like it was a sort of accusatory question...

therapy right now is crucial to me. and this T? he's one in a million for sure.. i'm not the only one who says so.

i have been studying psych as a sort of passionate hobby for over 15 yrs... i spent a lot of time researching and deciding to do this. i took my time to understand transference issues, bonding, attachment... all of that, BEFORE i started.

i am not good with these sorts of scenarios... someone i care about has upset me and then what to do about it so that i handle my needs but not throw the baby out with the bath water.. i have no idea what to do or say now.

well... i suppose i do bc i responded.. i told her it was nothing, explained what i meant, in as little detail as worked... but.. i feel really hurt.

i dont think i took care of my needs at all.

i have no idea how i will make friends that will have common interests with me... ones who share broader horizons and experiences... not just this thing about the therapy stuff...

i just realize how alone i am i guess.