As I walked into his drive a workman said "don't fall down the trench round that corner" he's having some sort of work done on his house and they've dug a trench in front of his house, but not the way I go. I told him I'm not going that way but thanks. I went into T's room and sat down.

told him about seeing certain family members I spent a great deal of time with as a child but rarely see now. I said it felt like a time warp because they haven't changed at all. They are still having the same conversations. I said I felt uncomfortable with them. Particularly because they talked a lot about certain deceased family members that have caused me a lot of pain and trauma. I said I felt like the person I was before when I saw them. It made me doubt the point of trying to be someone different because the spectre of that family still looms. It makes me question which version of me is authentic, the then or the now. Makes me question the point in it all and the truth of it all. He said he wanted to emphasise that he believes everything I have told him about trauma and hopes I still keep believing it's true. I said of course I do, I remember it, it's just part of me that doubts, and the wider question of who am I?

We talked a bit about trauma. I said a week feels too long between sessions. It's too much. He said "are you saying you want something more intense, more frequent?" I said "I just want it not to feel so bad.". We were quiet for a long time and he said "I'm not sure how we can achieve that". I was silent some more.

He started talking about how I may not remember specifics or maybe I will as time goes on and he knows I want to know what happened and I just felt a million miles from him because I know I will never remember more about what happened than I do now. I felt like he didn't understand me. I just kept thinking "you can't help me, you can't help me".

He asked what I was feeling and I told him I felt far from him and like he can't help me. He asked me what that felt like and I said empty because if he can't help me there's nothing. He said that sounds very final. I asked him what his understanding on what "working on it" is. He looked a bit daunted by the question. He started talking about the fact that I have a block on the associated feelings and that's causing me difficulty, so working on it is about exploring what's happening there. finally I felt like he got it. It's not about trying to remember specifics, it's about the feelings. I felt a bit better then.

I said we still hadn't answered the question of how I am going to manage between sessions. I used an analogy that the feelings are like a fire right next to me. I can feel the heat just because they are near. I can't look because it is too bright and I can't touch because it is too hot. I said that I feel like he provides me with the oxygen so at least I can breathe. He said it sounds like the feelings are consuming between sessions. I said yes and I'm not even touching or looking at them yet.

He asked if I wanted to borrow his fidget toy. I was incredibly touched because I had borrowed it when he went away and he had hinted that he had missed it. He plays with it ALL THE TIME. I thought it was so sweet of him, and while I would have loved it, I didn't want to take it away from him. I smiled and said it's alright. I might ask to borrow something else from his room like a stone next session.

I asked if I could touch his hands and he said yes. He sat forward in his chair and his hands were so warm and mine so cold. His hands were soft and it felt good to touch them. I let go and looked at him and he looked back at me. We were a little closer than usual because he had sat forward. I looked into his eyes and felt connected to him. It was the end of the session so we stood up and I asked for a hug. We hugged tight.

I said goodbye and he said ooh the trench has a drawbridge. I said you can be king of the castle. He laughed and I left.