Hi atseamedic. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. That must be one of the most difficult losses for a mother to face by herself.

There are no easy answers but you said "I just don't know how to get past this or if I can." so maybe you want to consider professional help to try to find ways to cope. I have found a therapist or grief support group can help me get by the feeling of facing things alone. If you do not think you can do that, you might want to listen to other people that have faced the loss of a child and share there story on youtube YouTube

I am not a professional so I can only offer my own story. For me it started 4 years ago when my dad could no longer be cared for at home and had to go into a nursing home. For two years I traveled 200 miles round trip to see him as often as I could. He slowly went downhill. It was like I already lost him.

Then when he died my hope went out of me. I just did not know what to do. I slowly started doing something to help me get out of the house like yoga, exercises or Tai Chi. I needed to be around people but not to talk just to not be alone so exercising meant we were in same room but we did not have to say anything. I did not tell them I was grieving. I did not want to have to hear their words to reassure me and I did not want to start crying. So I just smiled as best I could and did the exercises.

I joined support groups and realized I was not alone and others were hurting as I was although in different ways. I just had to find something to do every day. Whatever that is it gives me something to look forward to.

Grieving can take a long time. I had to write a lot of notes in my journal to my dad telling them what I wish I had done or things had been different. It helped me get over the shock of the loss. If you check the Grief and Loss forum there are others who are grieving over lost family members too.