I'll add my two cents since you put the topic out for discussion though I don't think my thoughts would make any difference.

I've been following your story Nicole for a long time now and you seem to be in the same place where I "saw" you the first time I read your story. Same descriptions of what he did to you, same questions you've asked yourself for years. I understand you are feeling much closer to confronting him, but until this inner urge manifests itself into an action you are still in the same place in terms of your emotional involvement with this man.

As to the confrontation, I can relate to the desire to confront. I've confronted many people in my life who have wronged me, not only therapists. But for me the confrontation was necessary not to get my questions answered. I knew that those people wouldn't have any interest in being honest with me because they didn't even want to be honest with themselves. I needed to confront them because confrontations always made me feel empowered and gave me the energy to leave the toxic, harmful situations.

You seem to want to confront your abuser for the sake of getting the honest answers to your questions from him, which is not going to happen. Someone, who's been doing what he's been doing to you for may years has absolutely zero interest in being honest. If he was capable of being honest, he wouldn't have started doing all this crap to you in the first place. If you confront him and demand answers he'd say something that would confuse you even more, which will continue to keep you tied to him. You won't get your questions answered. The question then becomes are you willing to accept this reality or not?

I think, the most important question for you is the one you are not asking directly, the one that is behind the questions you want to ask him, and that is "does he love me or does he love his wife?" or "who does he love more, me or his wife?" I believe this is the wrong thing to concern yourself with, the wrong question to ask yourself. The right questions to ask in your situation would be "am I willing to continue to tolerate abuse?" and "for how long am I going to tolerate abuse?"

Being so obsessed about his wife and how he feels about her as opposed to how he feels about you means that you define your self-worth through him and his feelings towards you as opposed to deciding that you are good enough for yourself regardless how he or anyone else feels about you and demanding respect for yourself.