(((((apsl1984)))))

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It sounds to me like you're struggling with many different negative thoughts and feelings...Go easy on yourself, hey? Do you struggle with depression? It sounds like depressive thoughts taking over...overtime!! I really see a theme of self hatred here, and that breaks my heart for you. Sometimes when we're lonely, too, negativity and distorted thoughts can really mess with us. It's an actual thing. Are you in therapy? I wish you a peaceful sleep and self-loving dreams.