I have been looking into forums and other peoples experience of what they find 'emotionally abusive' and have been in two minds whether I feel my case is actually abusive or just plain ar**-holey. I keep flipping between yes I think it is, to no you are just dealing with a general partnership issue.



I came across an article last night and finally found a strong similarity of what might be going on (when I say strong, I mean exact!). I believe he's a passive aggressive person and I am stuck in his cycle of passive aggressiveness.




For example -

1. He will take his frustration out on me by snide comments, then retract them and either say I am being overly sensitive when I confront him or downright say he never said it.
2. He procrastinates.When I ask him to do something, like cleaning or some other mundane task that he doesn't want to do, instead of saying no he frequently says 'he will do it later'. He NEVER gets around to doing it later. When I confront multiple times about it, or ask again he will make up an excuse. I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. I have been to busy at work. He has no intention of doing these things. I will either give up asking and do it myself, or I will ask so much its spun around and I'm the one who is nagging or wont let an issue go and then the whole problem is me, not him.

3. Similarly, whenever I as something off him he says 'We'll see...' instead of saying a direct no. This is very common of him and leaves me in the dark. For example, he has known that I have wanted a desk for my writing and that I have been looking for one. I asked him his thoughts of having one in the bedroom (more space and out of his way). he said 'we'll see...' after a month or so of realising I will never get a desk for my work, because he will never directly say yes. I got a desk given for free so I asked if he'd help me pick it up. He went mental at me. Then backtracked when I said he's angry because he expects me to ask him for permission, when really the desk is for me and my work, it is needed, and it is nothing to do with him. He never admitted this, but instead he tried to make me feel bad for 'not running it by him', when I tried to explain that I did run it by him by saying someone had offered it and if he would mind helping help collect it, he wouldn't accept the explanation. Anyway, he has said we'll see about a lot of things and I know by now that I never get around to receiving what I asked. But he's doesn't ever come across as the mean one because he never said 'No'.

4. There is always an excuse for his bad behaviours. Finance for example - he always has an excuse and he FREQUENTLY puts me in the position where I have to pay. Moving house was a nightmare. I moved my last home for him because he wanted to be closer to his family, and my home didn't feel like a home to him because it was mine. So we settled on starting fresh for the both of us. But it all went tits up. Me and my daughter were sharing a bed in my mums flat for 8 months (when the plan was to get out in three). No matter how much I asked about his savings, he either lied and said he'd saved, got angry when I found out he hadn't and blamed me for being unsupportive and not understanding about this finances. He did this on the day of my nans funeral when I asked him abou this savings over an evening meal. I was extremely vulnerable anyway, but not shouted at for asking him in a public place, went cold on me all night which resulted at me crying at the table and apologising for bringing a personal issue up when it was 'not the time or the place'. I didn't dare ask him again for weeks after that. Even when I said that it is not fair on my mum, and its affecting my daughter etc etc he had an excuse. The reason was he was just not saving. The reason was we was not a priority to him, new trainers, nights out and other things were. The reason was, he is financially irresponsible. He never admitted this. It got to the point it was either we didn't move or I was in a position where I was left to pay his half of the deposit and rent and admin fees. He did it at Christmas too where I was left to pay for his familys presents as well as my family, as well as my daughters, because he spent his wage on himself. He's never admitted fault for this either. When I spent on them, the fault left him and it was my issue for WANTING to spend money on his family. Going away on holiday too - telling me he is short of money when booking and me asking if he will put 100 to a 300£ bill and i'll foot the rest. Him agreeing, but never putting that money in to my account, as I haven't asked for it. Then sulking that he is skint and he only has so much to his name when we come home, so I will be the bad guy for even considering asking for the money when I know it is impossible for him to give to me. His sulking and comments are just another passive aggressive threat to non-verbally say 'don't you dare ask me for that money I owe you'. I let him get away with it.
5. I have read that chronic lateness is also their way of saying 'No.' Late for work, late for meeting, late for everything. I cant remember the last time he was early on time, no matter who it affects. Always an excuse. Never 'I just couldn't be arsed'.
6. Dependancy. I can look back throughout our whole relationship and see how dependant he is on me. Significant or trivial. Me to pay the bills when he doesn't have money. Me to view the houses because he 'didn't have the time'. Me to check the recycling waste pick ups and know the schedule, and will just say it 'slipped his mind' If I forget one week, knowing full well if I don't do it weekly it will never get done. My friends have picked up on this over the past four years too.

Does this sound like passive aggressiveness? Is this what Im dealing with? I'm confused as hell and I'm only just starting to put the pieces together because its indirect, and I don't always catch on. Its hard to have evidence of all this without sounding like a crazy girlfriend!!!