For as long as I can remember I've been obsessed with things and thought/daydreamed about them most of the time. There is usually one at a time but sometimes what I call "side obsessions". There is more to it than interest, there's a whole bunch of other feelings surrounding it. I do rememeber having such an obsession in first school but can't remember exactly what age. To anyone else it was just the usual obsessions kids go through, short lived before they move on to something else. But inside my head it was different, I would almost constantly daydream about this subject but they didn't seem the sort of daydreams any normal kid would have. For instance I clearly remember daydreaming about myself being a teacher and had pictures of this subject on the wall and was asking the class about it, I think I probably pulled some of it from actual classes but stuck my obsession into it. I did this with a few other things while I was at school.

I think maybe I go through so many different situations involving the obsession (in the day dreams) and once I get throught them all and can't think of anything else, I get bored of it and move onto something else. These obsessions last anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. I know thats normal but its the intensity of the daydreams and how I just tried to fit that subject into every situation I can think of and these other negative feelings surrounding them.

I have been obsessed with many various different things, some of these were things I could get, some (including the current ones) are things I can't get. Obviously when I can't have something that causes a lot of frustration and jealousy, especially when I see others with them. When I have bought something that has been an obsession, well it's never easy. Until my late teens I never bought things myself, my parents bought them so obviously it depended if they bought them or not and then I had the things, it wasn't so much of a problem. Also I was younger and expected to become obsessed with silly things then loose interest and move onto something else.

But in my late teens I developed this strange nervousness around these things, and was embarrassed to mention them or admit that I liked them. This is the main problem that I need help with somehow. At 18 I became obsessed with something I could easily buy, and one day I went into town planning to buy it, but when I got to the shop I felt sick, my stomach was churning and making weird noises, and felt like I needed the toilet, my heart was beating fast and I started to feel scared and "stuck". I just couldn't do it, I couldn't even go to that section of the shop that had these things. So I went around the rest of the shop avoiding that part and as I went further away I felt a bit better and calmer. I didn't understand this. And when I had looked at other stuff, and had something in my hand to buy I did feel better so I decided to go back to the part with the obsession but no, the same feelings rose up again and I couldn't do it. So I bought the other things and left the shop feeling very disappointed and angry at myself. I looked at some other shops but avoided ones with the obsession things in, or that section.

I ended up going back without it and I was angry with myself, especially when I got back and it felt so stupid! It's something anyone else could easily buy (in fact I've bought one since, well after that obsession ended and felt no resinstance.). So I tried a few times at different places but could never go anywhere near them and even look at them or I'd get those same nervous feelings. I got so upset and angry about it, that once I actually cried on the way home. I tried not to because the other people on the bus would be staring but I couldn't help it. I did cry a lot about it at home though. And complained about it on my livejournal which nobody read, though I never said what the object was (still wont because it's embarrassing).

Eventually I managed to get something similar, but it still wasn't easy, I still had some nervous feelings but not as bad. I managed to push through that but still couldn't get the thing I actually wanted. And after a year and a half I lost interest in that and became obsessed with something else. Nothing has been as bad as that first obsession, but still feel sick when I try to buy an obsession thing. I've realised its not so bad if I buy something online, though I do get a bit nervous before opening it. And some things I've been able to buy without being nervous at all, I'm just not sure what causes it.

Well back in 2014 I developed an obsession with something I knew I could never get (nothing to do with nervousness). It spiralled out of control and got worse and uncontrollable to the point that I was so frustrated and angry and started to really hate people that have them. Last year I had a small side obsession with something else, something related to the main obsession. Something I couldn't have because of price, but I didn't really want one anyway. That lasted from about september last year until february this year. Now I have totally lost interest in that, I saw some in the shops the other day and didn't take a second glance, just didn't care. Still obsessed with the main thing though. I have to be content with looking at pictures opf them online.

In may this year, I suddenly started a new obsession. Something I saw pictures of while looking at pictures of the other obsession, I actually had a dream with one in and that reinforced it into a full blown obsession. Another thing I can never have. This was ridiculous because I've seen these things loads and never cared, never took any notice of them. But now I'm thinking about and them and making daydreams around them all the time. This has took over the other older obsession but the old one is still there and definitelt hasn't gone. But this is what I think of most of the time now. I can't ever buy one, but even if I could I know I wouldn't be able to look at them in shops (I don't try now) so wouldn't be able to buy them anyway. I can't even mention them anymore, even though I have before (not that I wanted one of course, because back then I didn't). I can't let anyone know I even like them. This happens with every obsession, I have to hide it and be ashamed of it.

And last week I started another side obsession after I had a dream about them. It's something related to the main obsession, but I have never thought about them before, never took any notice or looked. But now this has been forced into my daydreams and I think about having one a lot. This is something thats not realistic to buy but maybe possible. I actually have had 2 similar things in the past and because I wasn't obsessed with them I had no problem looking for them and buying them. Yesterday I was going to be near a shop I think I bought one of the last ones from, so I thought they might have them there (the similar alternative). So I went but as I was walking to the shop I got the nervous feelings again and felt sick etc. I stopped and tried to calm down then went into the shop. The section where they would be is near the back so I was looking at some other stuff first.

But as I got further back I started feeling realy sick and like I needed the toilet, though the heartbeat thing didn't happen and I didn't feel completely frozen so I pushed on through it and went into that section of the shop. Told myself this is stupid, I've bought 2 of the things before and it was fine, nothing is going to happen. But they didn't have any. I was dissappointed but under that there was a slight feeling of relief that I didn't have to see any or buy any. It made it easier to deal with. And I wonder what would have happened if they had them, could I have brought myself to pick one up and buy it? I will never know unless I try again sometime somewhere else.

I don't understand why this happens, getting so nervous about buying meaningless inanimate objects? Its really stupid but I can't seem to overcome it. Its been going on for far too long, around 15 years. Does anyone else have this problem?