So, I am here. Again. With my intense abandonment fears. You are very clearly irritated with me, if not hatred of me. So, now that you can't stand me and you respond to me as little as you can, I don't know what to do. When I say I have an internal saboteur, I mean that because of the fact that I keep ending up with the same outcome. It's obviously me. So, this is a part of some idiotic process. And in this ****ed up process, where I do have a friend who is helping, T, you are absent. I feel like I should know by osmosis exactly what to do and exactly how to stop. AT work the other day, I got caught up in yet another issue of mine. How can I feel good about myself when these issues keep occurring. And you go silent or missing as much as possible. I RUIN all of my relationships sooner or later. I have no choice but to just loose faith in myself, to finally realize that I can't be like other normal people. I can't just go to work day by day, having some good days, some bad, some in between. I have to go to work dealing with intense affect. I have told people about this, and yet I have to do this time after time, the abject fear of going back this time. The feeling like I'm not a good person. These things don't happen to worthy, good people. They happen to me. There is apparently no solution. So, now I am ashamed I contacted you too much. Now I am ashamed that i can't just do the right thing. I ****ed things up with you and I'm shocked and ashamed. Although it's my fault. I want to get to the point where I walk around with armor within and nothing bothers me. I want to not feel. I want to stop being punished for being me. I want someone to help me with this ****ing phase I go through. I get if everyone hates me and is done with me because I am sick to death of not being normal but am expected to be normal. What a ****ed up society.