I miss you and I don't feel very connected to you and I feel weird about some of the stuff that you said on Thursday and I sort of want to email you but it wouldn't make things better I don't think and I want to look forward to our session next week but I can't because on that same day they're going to knock me out and shove a tube down my throat and I'm going to find out exactly how f***ed my heart is and I don't even know what I want them to say and I'm scared I might die even though that's stupid.