Not bad influences. Just bad friends.

Let me begin:

My childhood bestfriend was someone who I hung out with often, I would be allowed the opportunity to watch him play his video games while we hung out, very rarely getting to play myself. But being who I am, I never asked, just watched and did whatever he wanted to do. I was invited to his birthday, and I was the only friend out of the 4 he invited that showed. My dad even spent his own money on chuck e cheese tokens for him, and I got him so many gifts. Because he ws my bestfriend. Even though it may have not been reciprocated.

Another’s bestfreiend I had was my friend outside of school, but inside of school? He would love to make jokes about me, he was the cool kid, after all. But of course, they were jokes. Just jokes he would make behind my back to his cool friends.

And a current friend , former bestfriend from high school, has always made it seem like a competition for that bestfriend title. She’s always baked cakes for her main bestfriend, if she was sick, after surgery, her birthday, etc. Yet I only got two baked cakes for my birthday and that was long ago. She always posts photos with her and her main bestfriend together, yet there’s not a single photo she has posted with me in Facebook.

Another friend I have, he never posts me, except once, in his social media, yet I see all his new friends being posts on his social media. And in the past, he’s threatened to kick my “ass”. I forgave him for saying that after a week or so when he apologised. He has brought me up to his cabin and on boat trips, however, I’ve always been third-fourth Bestfriend.

Overall, I’ve always felt like a back up friend. I’ve always placed that person as my bestfriend, yet to them, ive always been a 3, 4, or 5th bestfriend. Ive always felt like I’m the hidden friend. I’ve always been there for them during hard times, buts it’s never seemed to be recognised. Sometimes they do things that make me feel good, but overall, when I compare what they do for others, I’m left feeling sad, I’m left feeling like they do more for others than they would for me. Whereas I’d do so much. She has no respect for my time, she’s always 20-45 mins late and even more, and when we’re making plans to hangout that same day, she literally stops responding to me for hours, even when the message showed she read it and it showed I needed a response. Which I see as a lack of respect towards myself and my time. Like she expects me to just wait on her, even if it’s last minute.

This has been a life long trend starting since 3rd grade. No matter how much we hung out, it seemed like I was never good enough.

I’ve begun to really hate people. I’ve become more and more withdrawn. I’ve begun to become callous towards people and their feelings and emotions. I’ve realised that the only people in life who are truly gonna do what id do for them is my parents (yet I’m pushing them away, that’s another thread tho). There was once a time that I would go to the ends of the earth for someone I romantically loved, or someone I considered a dear friend of mine. I’ve done so much. With so little in return. A part do me craves friends. Yet another part says I don’t need friends. I don’t want friends. I hate everyone and people are always going to lookout for themselves.

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