I can't tell you how you should, nor would I have the right to and it's the same with why. When it comes to how you could... I don't have a real answer for that except that a person just sort of does, I guess?

Wanting it all to stop is normal and I think understandable, especially in your case. There are other ways of making it stop. They take longer and aren't guaranteed, but they're possible.

I wish I could actually say something that helped. I'm sorry, I'm not all here this morning. Be kind to yourself ((((sinking))))