i hate my illness too (bipolar 1 with psychosis). i'm 51 yrs old and i feel like life has been one long pain in the ***. i have almost no friends. my husband is my only real friend. my children are great. one of my kids is bp 1 also so he understands me. i guess i should be more thankful for my family. sometimes, maybe most of the time, i don't realize i'm delusional. sometimes i see it years later. i also say a lot of things that i wish i hadn't. things that drive people away from me. i've had hallucinations that are scary for most of my life but over the past two years they have actually been comforting, like presences of angels and seeing people i love. still, i could live without this!!! sometimes i think my priest in church is looking at me. yeh right, he's got hundreds of people in front of him and every week he's looking right at me....ugh. Meds help but they don't cure. i get depressed thinking that someday i'm going to be an old crazy lady. i just hope my husband is around to help me.
i hope you can get some help and find at least one true friend. but you also have this place to come to for friends who care and understand.