::::::::::::crying::::::::::::::::: all of you are so great for wishing me well and remembering. Did it go well??? I don't know if I could really tell you all.........I do know that I have appts. every Wed. till the end of the month, but on the way home I cancelled next week's appt.

I felt really pushed today by him - not a bad pushing, but I know he is counting the days and trying to make me see what is causing these depressing ideas and wanting to help. The knowledge that I am not afraid to die, that I am very calm about it, I think makes him nervous.

I'm doing the same stupid things again......pushing myself because someone "needs" something. My boss has scheduled me for 15 hours next week, and the 3 1/2 I worked last night has me in agony today. But did I say so - did I say "not so many hours"........heck no, Mary Alice said "I know you're short staffed and want me trained. Schedule me for what you need"..............so much for taking care of me [sigh]. The painkillers have stopped helping - I think I am getting too used to them, so I have stopped taking them. The pain is the same, just as bad.

Now that I cancelled my appt. I am even more depressed. The inner me is just screaming in pain at the thought of it........and the outer me is trying so hard to stay calm. All in all, I feel like a blanket of darkness has descended on me - the depression is so bad lately. Earlier I went 4 days without showering and getting dressed......that is very unlike me. Today I missed my son so much I went to his school and watched him thru the classroom door for over 30 mins. and when he saw me, he waved and threw kisses at me.......it was so empty here at home without him.

I left my T a voice message saying that I had cancelled my appt. I think I have sunk into my black hole again - and I really don't want to come out.

Mary Alice

Thank you all for caring, remembering, and posting.